The Unreal Deal: 02-04-08

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Andrew Bird Discovered Using Performance-Enhancing Drugs
Fans of indie artist Andrew Bird were shocked to discover on Monday that the singer/multi-instrumentalist has been using performance enhancing drugs while recording and performing live shows. News of the drug use broke when police conducted a raid on Bird's Chicago apartment and discovered several bottles of prescription pills intended for canaries.

"When we didn't find any actual canaries within the premises, it became clear to us that the subject in question was using the pills himself," said Chicago Police Sargeant Kenny Ramirez. "It is unclear to us why a person would need to take pills intended for canaries, but seeing as how the subject did not possess a legitimate prescription for said pills we were forced to confiscate them."

While it may seem ironic to some that a musician with the last name of Bird would have medication intended for actual birds, veterinarian Dr. Roger Sidell has a different theory as to why a human being might want to ingest these pills.

"Certain birds, canaries in particular, tend to have throat issues as they get older, oftentimes forcing them to cut back on their singing or at times cease it altogether," said Dr. Sidell. "Now humans have distinctly different vocal cords than birds do, but they do share some common characteristics and the canary medicine might actually help to enhance certain vocal tics in some people."

The vocal tics Dr. Sidell referred to don't particularly pertain to actual singing. He said the main benefits humans could get from the medication would assist in humming, kazoo playing, and in particular, whistling. Suddenly it becomes quite clear to Andrew Bird supporters as to why the artist might use canary pills.

"Andrew Bird is by far the best whistler I have ever heard," said fan David Renetti. "There were times when I really believed that no actual man could whistle that well, and now I know why."

While many Andrew Bird fans appear to feel upset and betrayed by the news, others seem to be taking it in stride and will continue to support the artist.

"Andrew's whistling really helps to make a lot of his songs that much better, and so for him to take these drugs in order to keep that up, I think he has to do what he has to do," said fan Elizabeth Logan. "So long as he's not taking any hard drugs that'll affect his performance negatively, I'll still buy his albums and tickets to see him perform live. Besides, the whistling is only one aspect of music mostly based on intricate compositions."

At this time police say they have no plans to charge Mr. Bird with any crime, though he will have to pay a fine for having animal medications without a proper prescription. Bird, along with his current record label Fat Possum have not released statements to the press at this time.

Andrew Bird- A Nervous Tic Motion of the Head to the Left
Andrew Bird- Spare-Ohs

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Labels: andrew bird, unreal deal