The Unreal Deal: 6-09-08

After a few weeks' break (due to breaking music news and various other prioritizing mishaps), The Unreal Deal makes a triumphant return today! Check back every Monday for a new Unreal Deal!

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COLDPLAY ALBUMS NOW REQUIRE DOCTOR'S PRESCRIPTION
In the wake of a recent study naming Coldplay as the one band that puts most people to sleep, the FDA has concluded the band's music should no longer be available without a prescription. Yes, similar to other sleep medications like Ambien and Rozerem, you will need a special slip from your doctor to have access to Coldplay's songs.

"This sleep study into Coldplay's music really opened our eyes to the dangers of doing everyday activities while listening to their music," said Dr. Sean Kitlinger. "Imagine what can happen if somebody puts [Coldplay album] 'X&Y' on while they're driving home after a long day of work. Quite frankly I'm a little surprised we haven't seen the accident rate triple since the band started making music. At least we caught it in time."

If only being able to find Coldplay's music behind the pharmacy counter from now on wasn't enough, doctors have also fought to get a special label affixed to the disc itself that states: "This music causes excessive drowsiness. Do not operate heavy machinery or attempt to drive while listening to this." It serves as an extra warning to those prescribed Coldplay that while it may be music, by no means is it sensible to listen to it outside of a home or bedroom. Though doctors aren't nearly as worried about persons operating heavy machinery while playing a Coldplay album ("construction workers, as we have found, tend to avoid the band, lest they be made fun of by their peers," said Dr. Kitlinger), for the occasion when a "handy husband" or single mom attempts some amateur carpentry the warning very much applies.

"The last thing we want is some guy working with his son on a soapbox derby racer and accidentally slicing off his hand with a buzzsaw because [Coldplay album] 'Parachutes' was playing at the time and he passed out mid-cut," said Dr. Kitlinger. "I don't want to think about what might happen with a woman carrying a blowtorch while 'Viva La Vida' is playing in the background."

In addition to printing warnings about the use of Coldplay for anything other than a sleep aid, the FDA has also come up with a list of side effects that may occur should you listen to the band on a regular basis. These side effects include: uncontrollable weeping, Chris Martin-filled night terrors, sudden urges to "make trade fair," and the ability to find Gwyneth Paltrow attractive no matter what your gender.

The question at this point is how strict doctors will be in handing out prescriptions for Coldplay albums. Most assuredly insomniacs will be the first to have access to the band's catalogue, as Coldplay's music is preferable to other sleep drugs, which are potentially addictive.

"We're not saying you won't get addicted to [a song like] 'Clocks,' because it's really good," Dr. Kitlinger said. "But at the very least a song can't destroy your internal organs."

One huge problem being weighed by medical professionals everywhere is that until now Coldplay's music has been widely available without a prescription in both stores and on the internet. Trying to stop the music from getting out is similar to hoping to catch lightning in a bottle.

"We have already gotten a government mandate requiring that Coldplay albums be removed from stores and on the internet, with those who violate these terms subject to arrest and significant fine," said FDA spokesperson Heather Dilowitz. "For those that already own Coldplay music, we simply ask that you abide by the new FDA guidelines and only listen in your home. We also request that you refrain from distributing the band's material on the internet."

Whether or not anybody will pay any serious attention to these designated guidelines is unclear, as is how strictly the government will enforce these new regulations regarding Coldplay's music. And with Coldplay being the first music group requiring a prescription to purchase their albums, one can't help but wonder if others are next.

"Currently we're looking into something being called the 'Norah Jones effect,' which seems to be nearly mimicking the Coldplay problem," said Dilowitz. "We may have to consider making (Norah Jones album) 'Come Away With Me' prescription-only. It all depends on how our study turns out."

Coldplay- Strawberry Swing

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Labels: coldplay, unreal deal